Fuck fuck fuck. I want to say I have control. I WILL NOT BE ANOTHER CLICHE but I can't.

Fuck.

I've never felt so unattractive, so disgusting, so awful in my entire life. Beer tears don't even come close to covering it.

15fucking9 as some kind of consolation I guess.

I haven't been on here for a while. [Thank you, Captain Obvious]

I've been doing really badly. I'm pretty much the same weight. [Around 160]

Softball started up again which is great I'll start anew with the season. I like spring.

Tomorrow I leave the house at 7 in the morning and get back at 11 pm, then I leave at 7 on Friday morning and the next time I'll be able to go home will be at 5 pm on Sunday afternoon. I have two softball practices in which I will be running a lot and lots and lots of dancing [and drinking] over the weekend. I'm not planning on eating anything though.

Jeudi 1 Mars
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12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Vendredi 2 Mars
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Samedi 3 Mars
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Dimanche 4 Mars
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12 1 2 3 4 5 67 8 9 10 11

I go to Florida for spring break. I want to wear a bikini for the first time in my entire life.

edit Thursday: we were standing around talking to some friends and then all of a sudden he puts his arm around my waist. it was probably to point out something in his conversation or to make a joke but it made me feel good because he curled his hand around my waist and rested it on my hipbone and left it there for a while. it's weird. we're weird but i guess as long as i accept that it's alright.

Oh my god.

10 lbs. I've gained 10 lbs in a week. This is awful and unacceptable.  I've been slacking off but I need to regain control like no one's business.

I'm fasting. If I can lose 15 lbs in the next two weeks then I can go out for the Super Bowl.  If not then I will sit at home, all alone, and will not let one sip of alcohol pass my lips.  Thus I NEED TO SUCCEED BECAUSE I WILL PROBABLY KILL MYSELF IF I HAVE TO BE ALONE DURING THE SUPER BOWL.

I haven't watched the super bowl alone since I was like 13.

I love eating.  I love eating so much.  I want nothing more than to just go downstairs and eat all the food we've bought for the party this afternoon.  The people are going to start arriving in an hour or so and they'll start eating it instead because they can.  I can't.  I won't let myself because I know that it's a compulsion.  I have to do it.  My entire body is screaming at me to eat, my teeth grind themselves together in a desperate attempt to make me put something in my mouth instead, my stomach sends panic signals up to my brain which shuts off to ignore the pain and then the world goes black. 

It hurts so much.  It causes me so much pain to pass up the food because even though I'm not hungry, I want it.  I want it so badly even though I know it means failure.

Wow am I messed up.

I think I'm drunk enough to drive you home, now.

Do I have an eating disorder? I have no idea. Some days I'm positive I do and then others I'm not sure. I know I'm fucked up in either case. 

I wish I never had to deal with this.